Everything Changes

Life is fluid, things can change at an alarming rate.

I have been holding onto a friendship that was dead long ago. I tried to make this friendship work. My daughter and her daughter are best friends. I love her family and her kids. She has definitely been there for me in times of trouble. She has probably created more trouble than she has kept me out of. She and I had a history, we were friends shortly before I was married. She became invaluable during wedding planning.

When I was ready to get pregnant and struggled she suddenly popped up pregnant (despite the fact that she had repeatedly told me she was never having any children). When I finally became pregnant a few months after her we were pregnant together. We both had daughters and the girls love each other very much.

Later she told me that she never wanted her daughter. The poor girl was healthy but grossly underweight. She didn't want to keep buying formula so at 8 months she put the girl on milk (2%). She scoffed at my newbie parenting practices of family sleeping, holding my child while she cried, feeding my daughter formula until 15 months, making food for my daughter and so much more. She laughed knowing that if I had more children I would through experience know that all of these things were stupid.

Yet she was always there, every time I called, every time I needed her she showed up.

As her daughter got older she started scolding her, spanking her, being (IMHO) demeaning. Children do not have a voice in her home and their needs do not come before her own. I don't spank, demean or scold my daughter. Of course she said I would raise a brat. I would pay for being so soft.

And yet she was there when my husband acted stupid or I needed someone to drink with or the kids were making me nuts and I had no one else to be around.

Her daughter is sick all of the time and so my daughter gets sick almost every time they play together. Her daughter didn't want mommy to bring her to gymnastics (possibly because she smacked her in the face the first night of class). Her "bad" daughter was so well behaved when she was with me. She drank milk at my house, sometimes 4 glasses a visit. I could never deny her because her mother had stopped buying more than one gallon a week (it was too expensive). She of course spared no expense on Coach purses and shoes.

She wanted us over all of the time. She made herself available no matter what. In the middle of the night when a child had to go to the ER. When I was sick...whenever.

I talked to other friends and posed the question: Can you be friends with someone who is so different than you? Can you be friends if you have no values in common? If you're different parents? No matter what?

And the more I parented and learned (about parenting) and grew, the more I questioned our friendship. How could I dump someone who was always there? Loyal to me to a fault.

She stole money from her mother (recently diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease). Her husband told my daughter she was "a brat", told her to "stop being bad" and believe it or not, called her a "poop stain".

I took notice, this could not be allowed. No one would speak to my children this way. Could they be forgiven? I mean they just don't know any better, right? Right??????

Toxicity. I spent 8 years in a terribly toxic love relationship. I learned from that what I would never again put up with in a partner. What the hell was I thinking? How did I let myself stay in this toxic relationship? I did it again but this time with a friend.

So today I told her that our friendship was ending. It's been ending for quite a while. I knew her reaction would be horrific. She lost it, her temper flared, she cried, she told me I had broken our daughters hearts.

And I felt...nothing. I felt so little that I almost feel badly that I feel nothing. There were moments of relief. I realized that our paths should have parted sooner. We no longer brought anything to the table for each other. She has no integrity or values. I don't respect her parenting or decision making.

I want to be around people who are headed in a similar direction. People who want to do new fun things and learn and grow. I want my children to be around those people too.

Your friends should make you want to be a better person.
Your friends should have at least similar values.

Most of all, you should want to be with your friend and if you don't, you should let her go.

A List of Things I love and or find important

Teaching my children naturally
never squashing their curiosity
forming a close family bond
spending as much time as a family as we can
having great adventures with our family
loving each other
being respectful of each other
learning about animals
making the planet a healthier place
learning empathy
learning self-respect
reading
fitness
fun
gardening
learning about nature
being as self-sufficient as possible
crafting
making home remedies
using natural products
having outside time daily
learning about a lot of things
keep a simple home
learn the lost arts of homemaking
Teach our children to take control of their lives
let the kids choose religion (if they do)
Do not make sheep of our family
keep our lives small so we can enjoy more
teach our children that people are more important than traditions


Our future

1. I am not a religious person, I would say I am a humanist
2. I love my country and my freedom
3. I believe all people are equal, period.
4. I love my family
5. I love traditions
6. I love experiencing new things
7. I love cooking and homemaking
8. I no longer feel the need to retain friendships that do not lift me up but instead keep me "in the trenches"
9. I don't have to please anyone but myself
10. My opinions are as important as the options of others.
11. I am still a kind person even if I assert my rights
12. I don't have to have things to be happy
13. I need to be healthy and fit.
14. My marriage is lasting and important
15. I make healthy home cooked food for my family
16. We no longer eat processed food
17. We love our life!!!

Reflections

This weekend was very busy with family events and even some time out for Mama. After reflecting on the weekend I've come to some realizations that I feel I must share.

Saturday night my husband had a great handle on the kids and suggested I go out to see friends. I met up with some old friends and spent time at a local bar with them. It was like they were frozen in time. They were still the same old people, doing the same things over and over again. Frozen in some kind of drunken cycle with no real direction or goal in mind. These women are now in their 40's and they have not made any changes for the better. They have the same problems, same addictions and same stand still lives. They didn't have anything new to tell me and they didn't really want to hear about what I've been up to. This was a kick in the butt moment, will I be like them? Will I still be sitting in the same spot 5 years from now having not made a single change? When I look back 5 years ago I still had the same goals I have now...because I haven't acheived any of them. I haven't made any of the changes I've desired for years. So if I don't get moving I will be those women. I will be frozen in time with no real direction. The twenties disappeared, my thirties are flying by and time is flying away from me.

Another fun tidbit about the weekend, a close friend confided in me some things that pretty much make me think she is about as awful a person as she can be. I shouldn't be surprised, this woman has shown me who she is time and again. She is broken and insecure and a lifelong addict (one thing or another). We were friends before I had children, spending our time in bars or hopping from one party to the next. When I had my children everything (EVERYTHING) changed. I see this person in a whole new light, the light that eminates from my children. She is a bad influence, she is a terrible mother and she is married to a bully.

It's time for me to clean house. It's hard to take out the trash when you don't really have anyone new to rely on. But I suppose new people (who support me and have similar views about life) can't come into my life if I don't make room for them right?

Peace.Love.Freedom.Happiness.

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

~Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man Under Socialism

First Year of Canning

So as I wrap up my first year of canning I want to remember a few things.
*can more salsa (and when you think you're done, can more)
*can more tomato sauce (and more)
*make more strawberry freezer jam at the peak of the season
*you cannot make too much salsa
*Farmers Market!
*plan to can
*need another big stock pot
*need jar lifter
*dehydrate some
*plan for gifting too!

The food tastes so much better, it's so worth the effort.

This year I made 7 pints of salsa, 4 peach salsa, 1 pint & 2 1/2 pints peach freezer jam, 8 1/2 pints strawberry freezer jam, zucchini pickles, cucumber pickles, 6 pints apple pie filling, 4 1/2 pints raspberry freezer jam, 4 pints tomato basil sauce.

Still need to freeze basil and cilantro.

What needs to be better?

Well let's start with just a few things I want to be better.
I want to be healthier for Little Miss and Chief.
I want to have more energy through better eating and I want to be an excellent example for my little girl.
I want to garden (successfully) and continue to expand a nice organic garden for my family over the years.
I want to make wonderful healthy recipes for my entire family.

Speaking of family, I want to have an open and welcoming home where family is always running in and out (tough for me because I love my private time). I want to host a family game night every month. I want to be thisclose to my sis-in-laws and enjoy all kinds of fun activities together. I want to be sexy and fun for my husband so that we can laugh our way into old age. I want to teach my daughter to respect the earth and all living things. I want to pirate a giant ship (you still with me?). I want to bring back what the world is missing; generous, caring, loving, accepting people who truly want to have everyone around them be happy and have a good (safe) time. I want to keep my home nice and tidy (as much as you can with a child. I want to make lovely gifts for people and be super thoughtful. I want to re-learn to crochet and learn to quilt. I want to start making things I used to make like jewelry, soap, bath goods, clothing and more. I want to do all of this...and still kick ass with or without taking names.